This is the sixth in a series about the subject of narcissism. The source book has been – “Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” (Copyright©2002, 2003 by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, published by FREE PRESS, ISBN-13:978-0-7432-1428-5). I have been quoting excerpts from the source book and comparing them to my experiences at Word of Faith Fellowship (WOFF). Our last post on this book focused on the author’s explanation of “Entitlement” in chapter 5. I have put forth my ideas while attempting to explain the author’s observations in light of the religious setting of WOFF.

  Hotchkiss begins Chapter 6 “Exploitation”, by giving some background perspective on how a healthy person learns to empathize with others. “The ability to empathize, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassionate in response, requires us to step outside ourselves momentarily to tune in to someone else… We may or may not share the feelings being expressed, but we accept them without judgment or distortion.” She writes that in moments of empathy, “…, we do bridge the gap between two separate beings. That cannot happen unless we are able to experience ourselves as separate in the first place. The sense of one’s Self as separate and autonomous is a developmental milestone that normally occurs in small increments between the ages of one to three or four. In order to read others accurately, we must first be able to see ourselves in realistic terms and identify our feelings as belonging to us.” (page 23)  

   As I write this, I am reminded that when member of WOFF reads this, it may seem like a foreign language. WOFF members do not get any training and therefore have no real trust in explanations of life events from a psychological perspective. If I quoted Scripture profusely, then they would be able to assess and analyze the positions taken. Yes, much of this has been new for me to comprehend and reconcile with the teachings I was under for many years. But, let’s go forward and keep digging.

    We will discuss this in more detail in an upcoming post as the next chapter is on “bad boundaries”, but, in the religion that Jane has created, “Self” is not recognized as valuable. In my opinion, at WOFF there was misuse and perversion of the Scriptural teaching of “dying to self.” So, for it to be said of Jane that she does not have a “sense of one’s Self as separate and autonomous” is not something that would carry weight or be a concern. I think it will make more sense as we move on why within WOFF, individualism and free choice and critical thinking are of no value. The direction of the WOFF-religion is to replace any independence with total dependence on the WOFF system and ultimately on Jane. All the while Jane and her leaders can be heard declaring this dependence is on God. If that were true, then why do regular members still need their decision “checked out”; if indeed they are being taught to depend on God? Does this teaching from Jane ever really work, if no one can truly depend on God unless Jane approves it? This is a very subtle process that can be seen in certain practices such referring to Jane as “Mother Jane” or “Grandma Jane”, along with emphasizing the importance of the WOFF –family over a member’s natural family. Is this making sense? We move on.

   The author continues her argument that this inability to empathize can be traced to certain events in young childhood. “Empathy will not develop, however, unless the child achieves a separate sense of Self and the capacity to tolerate a range of emotion, including shame. Bypassed shame—the shame that narcissistic people so deeply suppress that is remains beneath conscious awareness—stunts the growth of empathy. Without empathy, people have difficulty controlling aggressive impulses.” (page 24)  There will be some who read this and will attest to Jane having “empathy”. To that I will acknowledge that within the WOFF-religion that Jane has created, there are opportunities for her to show empathetic gestures. Also, I admit I do not know the inner thoughts Jane has while doing these acts. However, when observing an apparent act of empathy or compassion from Jane, note who retains the “aura” or gets credit for hearing God to bestow the “blessing”… If the “shine” from doing the act still reflects wonderment at Jane’s ability to “hear God”, was it true empathy or was it a power play for more adulation from whoever was looking at the moment? When members didn’t agree with Jane’s wisdom and dare express it, how was that received? Have you ever seen Jane act aggressively toward those who didn’t bow to her aura? This is all food for thought.

    “Driven by shame and prone to rage and aggression, the Narcissist never develops the capacity to identify with or even to recognize the feelings and needs of others. This is a person who, in terms of emotional development, got stuck around the age of one or two. Others are not seen as separate entities, but rather as extensions of Self, there to do the Narcissist bidding. This, along with an underdeveloped conscience, tends to make them interpersonally exploitative.” (page24) Again, I will point out that within the WOFF religion, Jane can display empathetic acts and even some signs of a type of compassion, but, take a step back and look at the apparent goal. Does the goal seem to be to draw those recipients into the WOFF religion and/or Jane’s personal narcissistic web? After all when new people come into WOFF, they are often showered with gifts and favors. Do these “blessings” come with strings? Yes. Then they were not true acts of empathy or compassion. Those “blessings” turned out to be ropes to bind and nets to hold within Jane’s group. Have you ever been to a wedding shower or baby shower?

   Here is one example for those who were there; do you remember what was said when Holly Hamrick left? “After all the clothes we gave her and the job we helped her get? We gave her a place to live and look how she has treated us.” Do others remember that? Now, for certain, since I was inside WOFF during the whole drama, I know I do NOT know the entire story. The longer I am out, the more clear it becomes that while inside WOFF, we were told only what Jane wanted us to know. That was only what made her look good and guiltless. I have learned, in many of those dramas, she was neither. There have been others on which Jane and her leadership attempted to use the guilt and shame card because of all that was done to “help” someone who ended up leaving. Does this sound like the love of God?

    The title of chapter 6 is “Exploitation”. The explanation put forth by the author is best summarized in the following passage. “Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other (person) is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed. The offense can be as mild as a one-sided friendship in which one gives and the other takes, as commonplace as a selfish lover or a demanding boss, or as horrendous as sexual predation or harassment on the job. It may not involve deceit, but quite often includes distortions of reality.  (page 25)

    While inside WOFF, I did not see many of the happenings at WOFF as exploitative. One religious notion used to cover the true nature of the deeds was that Jane and leadership were doing whatever it took to help members to “serve God”. And with that “religious reasoning” buttressed with any number of Scripture references that had been conjured up to justify treating “…others without regard for their feelings or interests” life moved on at WOFF one drama at a time. The months melted into years and the years seemed like hours passing in one long day. People were constantly being exploited for Jane’s sake and in the name of her WOFF religion, in order to feed her narcissist needs. When I first considered writing this post, I imagined listing all the acts I had witnessed inside WOFF which I now see were exploitation by Jane and her leadership. Frankly, I do not have the space.  Actually, the list would be incomplete as each week I talk to former members and learn of new violations thrust upon them. This has served to create a growing desire to see it all stop. The world that Jane has created is a true distortion of reality. I can only do my part to help others tell their stories of what was done to them with the purpose of “causing them to serve God”.  

   In closing, I will leave you with these questions. If there was no exploitation involved at WOFF, why were members subject to constant scrutiny and not allowed true, free exits from the group? If there was no exploitation meant to feed some need in Jane, then why were there so many pressures to conform and obey Jane’s rules and dictates- without question? If there were not exploitive acts during my times at WOFF, why were so many folks forced to chose between membership at WOFF (billed as the only place to serve God) and relationship with their friends and family outside the group?  

   For present WOFF members; If I am wrong about all this and Jane is not a narcissist and is not “interpersonally exploitative”, then you are fine and should enjoy your time at WOFF. Really? If I am only right about some of this and really missed it on other points, then you should look into it further and carefully learn where I am right or wrong. If, in your reading, you find I am right about all or most of this, then do yourself a favor, get help and leave WOFF as quick as possible.  

   Thank you, for taking time to visit and read this blog. Please, consume the information on this site responsibly. The author is not a licensed mental health professional and encourages those that need professional help to seek it. The intent of the material is to inform and be a resource. Be sure to tell every member that you know at WOFF about this blog. There are readers at WOFF. Comments are invited from all readers, including present or former members. Polls are not scientific and no private information is gathered.

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       Please, take time to read the Terms of Use for this personal blog. As mentioned, for posts written by John Huddle, any information about WOFF is from his memories and recollections as perfect as that may be or not be.  Scripture references are Amplified Version unless otherwise noted. (Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation ) This is post number 339.