This is the seventh in a series about the subject of narcissism. The source book has been – “Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” (Copyright©2002, 2003 by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, published by FREE PRESS, ISBN-13:978-0-7432-1428-5). I have been quoting excerpts from the source book and comparing them to my experiences at Word of Faith Fellowship (WOFF). Our last post on this book focused on the author’s explanation of “Exploitation” in chapter 6. I have put forth my ideas while attempting to explain the author’s observations in light of the religious setting of WOFF. This post will end this part of the series. In a future post, we will revisit the resource book and review the author’s views on “Survival Strategies for a Narcissistic World”- Part III of her book.  

   Hotchkiss begins this chapter by giving some background and perspective as to the importance of having the proper perspective as to our Self and others. Though we are “by nature social creatures who thrive on meaningful affiliations with family, friends and community. We all need to belong to something, someone outside of ourselves… The soundness of the boundary between Self and others will affect not only how we perceive ourselves but how we experience other people and to a certain extent how we are treated by them. Good boundaries, the recognition of separateness, make for healthy relationships.” (page 27) 

   Let me put the author’s comments in light of the religious system of WOFF. In a previous posts, I shared that in the WOFF religion, the concept of “Self” is distorted at best and disdained as a norm. At least for regular members, the boundary of “Self” is not nurtured or respected, but, preached as evil and not having worth. Can we forget the message titled “Living Segmented Lives”, which taught that “God did not want us living “separate lives”…” The net effect was to further condemn those who wanted to have a healthy “Self”- which was seen as evil. What may have sounded like “truth” was in practice used to bind and control members. As a WOFF member, “Why would you put your needs before God’s people or Jane?”

    Additionally, who can count the times that Jane would address the congregation as one and lump us all in together as full of sin, evil, full of lust and the cause of her long worrisome hours of prayer and sleepless nights? When sin was discovered in one member, it was preached and taught as being in all. There were numerous services where different “sins” associated with “Self” were “dealt with”. Jane used the Scriptures referencing the “Body” of Christ as a tool to destroy any healthy “Self” by using the need to “belong to something, someone outside of ourselves…” as a means to submit to her unhealthy application of a Scriptural principle.   

      Having said all that and stating the obvious that after my time under these teachings for sixteen years, I am cannot proclaim to now have a truly balanced, healthy view of my “Self”. After all those sermons and blasting, loud prayer and deliverance sessions, my perspective of what is a healthy “Self” lacks strength and focus – for sure. However, after having been on the inside and now, on the outside of WOFF, it is evident how unhealthy, destructive and manipulated regular members were/are in regards to their individuality. Is it plain to others that Jane Whaley has structured her religion to demean and subjugate members of WOFF to serve her needs? This should become clearer and we move on.

   Hotchkiss writes, “The Narcissist suffers from a deep character flaw in the development of a sense of Self. This flaw prevents such individuals from being able to recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who offer the possibility of some sort of gratification will be treated as if they are part of the Narcissist and will be expected, automatically, to live up the person’s expectations. In the mind of a Narcissist, there is no boundary between Self and other.” (page 27-28)

    How would this be reflected at WOFF and/or in Jane’s world? Jane has created certain boundaries in her WOFF religion for sure. Some of them are very obvious. For instance, when you are IN WOFF, you are in and others are out. If a new person visits WOFF, they are not IN until Jane allows them to be IN. That is a very tangible boundary. Also, once you are in, as a consequence of the dynamics of the group, there is a gradual push or pressure to merge that person into WOFF to be “in their place”. This is evident as a new person moves from receiving the euphoric expressions of “love” when they first join, into an assessment period. This is when someone in authority helps the new one acclimate, all the while searching for what this person could add to the group or ultimately to be a credit or service to Jane. For instance, can the new person sew or cook or watch children or do they have a trade that is needed in WOFF? If new talents are brought into WOFF, it keeps members from going to the world for that service or talent. That is essence strengthens the “we vs. them” boundary and keeps things in the family so to speak.

    If as a new member, you were a plumber, you would then be asked to help members in the church with their plumbing. You may get paid for it or you may not. You may get reimbursed for your parts, you may not. You would be told this is part of your ministry and you are serving God by serving His people. Why would you let your desire for your family take you away from “serving God”? The normal healthy boundaries of Self and the need to be with your family would fade or disintegrate over time as you served the needs of the “Body” and thus kept things flowing in Jane’s kingdom. Once your “gift” or talents were known, you were expected “to live up the person’s (Jane’s) expectations” and be a minister in all you do…  

   The author makes some statements about those allow these boundary violations. “People who tolerate boundary violations are generally those who, like the Narcissist, have not formed a strong sense of separate Self, usually because they have been trained to accept intrusions while growing up in their own families and have not been given support for autonomy.” (page 29) This observation helps explain how a person could get caught up in a narcissistic web and still be very intelligent. It becomes more obvious as I study this book and relate it to other material, that being a religious cult and/or under the control of a Narcissist has nothing to do with a person’s intelligence. History shows that very intelligent people have come under the influence of cult leaders.

   Hotchkiss also notes, “The Narcissist is often equally unaware when violating the personal boundaries of others.” (page 30) In my opinion, I believe that Jane does not see her WOFF religion as a violation of personal boundaries. After all, she believes everyone in her church wants to serve God with their whole heart. To do so in her mind means doing whatever the will of God is regardless of what one must give up or walk away from or which family member gets stirred… As a rationalization, Jane believes that serving God in the way she teaches is how people fulfill their call and make it to heaven. After all, in Jane’s thinking, it is not her telling them what to do; it is God through her speaking to them. If they believe God through her they will be in His will. If they do not, they are out there on their own, out from under God’s protection and subject to the devil. How do I know this about Jane? I heard it over and over – year after year.  

   After reviewing this Jane-logic, is it obvious how a WOFF member could be influenced to surrender personal boundaries as well as family boundaries when they enter WOFF? The need to belong added to the desire to be pleasing to “God”, fulfill your call and make it to heaven, all serve as strong motivators to surrender even the possibility for a healthy “Self” and be merged into the oneness of WOFF in the service of Jane.

   In conclusion, I believe Jane is totally unaware how she violates and replaces the personal boundaries of her members with the church boundary of either being IN or out of WOFF. She believes her own “gospel” of her specialness and has no idea that MANY of those who have passed through her church have had their lives destroyed. One reason for the destruction has been the necessity to surrender your personal and familial boundaries to serve Jane and obey her rules and live as she says “God” wants you to live. To be a member of WOFF, you were/are merged into the WOFF family and lose the practice or the hope of having your true identity. WOFF members became/become an extension of Jane and were/are totally controlled by her desires and her needs. There is no “recognition of separateness” within WOFF. Are you kidding? For WOFF members, their only “meaningful affiliations with family, friends and community” were/are met within WOFF or not met at all.

   In summary, what have we learned in this series? We have reviewed “The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” and discussed how they were/are seen in Jane or the practices of Jane’s religion. We started with the appearance of “shamlessness” which we learned was someone who was “shame-sensitive” and trying to avoid shame. Next, we discussed “magical thinking” and renamed that “religious delusion”. Jane does not believe in magic, but, she does consider herself special. She does not see how in her legalism she dumps her shame on others. This is ultimately used to control them.

   Next, we looked into the arrogance or WOFF-pride that so often shows itself. We discussed this being a ploy for Jane to satisfy her need for competition, all the while believing as she “wins”, that will keep the “stink of her imperfection” off of her. “Envy” was next. Does Jane display envy? Is it possible that as she puts down other preachers that this in fact displaying her envy for their success on the national stage? After this, we discussed “Entitlement” and Jane’s apparent belief that she is entitled to the best clothes, shoes and purses that her money given to her from her members will let her buy.

   Next, “Exploitation” which Hotchkiss says “involves using of others without regard for their feelings or interests”. Can you agree that controlling lives by telling them they will be a lawyer and not a doctor is exploitation?  This was/is just one example of how Jane exploited her members. Do I need to call names? When considering the above definition, what is WOFF-religion other than daily exploitation of its members? And last, we have been sharing about “bad boundaries”. In WOFF, there was no personal boundary that did not get crossed. From the bedroom to the bathroom, to the office, all was subject to Jane’s control. Comments welcome.

 Thank you, for taking time to visit and read this blog. Please, consume the information on this site responsibly. The author is not a licensed mental health professional and encourages those that need professional help to seek it. The intent of the material is to inform and be a resource. Be sure to tell every member that you know at WOFF about this blog. There are readers at WOFF. Comments are invited from all readers, including present or former members. Polls are not scientific and no private information is gathered.

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       Please, take time to read the Terms of Use for this personal blog. As mentioned, for posts written by John Huddle, any information about WOFF is from his memories and recollections as perfect as that may be or not be.  Scripture references are Amplified Version unless otherwise noted. (Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation ) This is post number 340.