This past Thursday was the first time I had ventured out grocery shopping in at least eight days. Honestly, I had to talk myself into it. Yes, I needed a few things, but I wrote a list and convinced myself that going Thursday was the best choice.

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, my survival observation mode kicked in. You know that feeling or always searching for normal versus abnormal- I became hypervigilant. At the same time, your eyes go into constant surveillance, your self-talk voice/thought recorder in your head turns on.

In the first few minutes, things were going well. The number of shoppers was low and, in my mind, – manageable.  I walked into the produce section. Then I heard it. A man sneezed and from the sound – it was uncovered! Immediately, I started scanning and searching for the culprit. He was near the rear of the store, just past the baked goods. His wife was also looking around to see if folks were reacting. She acted embarrassed.

What do I do now? The news reports on how the virus spreads dumped into my mind. I estimated a circle with a 12-foot diameter around this man. (six feet front and back) Also, I ran estimates of how far the sneeze traveled, but did not know the actual direction he launched his spray.

The next question- do I abort the grocery trip and just leave? Do I forget any items at the back of the store? I knew if I stayed, I would avoid the sneezer at all cost. These thoughts were processed at lightening speed. I decided to stay, but in my thoughts, I wondered if he would be escorted out of the store by management.

Are you with me so far?

This episode caused my thinking to become disoriented and lethargic. I had to read my short list several times and repeatedly visited sections of the store. I looked as lost as I felt.

After what seemed like four days, I put the last item in the basket and headed for self-checkout. I picked the machine which the woman’s voice reminds you over and over to put the scanned item in the bagging area. The attendant had to come scan her “get out of grocery jail free” card several times.

At last I was on the way out of the store, leaving sneezer man and his wife checking out at another register.

After getting home, I went over the audio and video tapes in my mind. The questions kept coming and pushing me further down the hole. I washed my hands, put the groceries away, threw the grocery bags away and washed my hands again. Next, I used a disinfectant wipe to all the handles in the kitchen, the refrigerator handles and the front doorknobs.

Still I was in a tizzy. Not until I sent my brother a message about the trip and talked to my sister, did I feel at ease. Thirty minutes after unloading the groceries – then I felt better.

After several hours, I bagged and tagged the events, knowing the next day would have more to experience.

Fast forward to today. I found in my email a letter from three experienced mental health professionals. The letter’s purpose was to encourage and bring hope to former members of cultic groups. I qualified. 

In short, the letter makes several points relating the fears of these present times around COVID-19 and the intensity and frequency of fears used while we were in whichever cultic group. The letter pointed out the fears in our individual groups may have been around the “End-Times” and what would happen to us if we left the group.

The letter, quoting Daniel Shaw in his book, “Traumatic Narcissism”, … After leaving a cult, in frightening times, former members might feel a pull towards the fear and self-blame that they experienced while they were in their cult.”

Also, the letter quotes Rabbi Harold Kushner’s perception in his book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,”

“…Life is random and often unfair. Kushner urges us to get beyond the unanswerable question, “Why did this happen?” and instead to concentrate on the question that we can have more control over, “What can I do now that it’s happened?”

The letter writers go on to list several helpful techniques to live in these fearful times, not become inundated with reoccurring past fears, but live with a focus on learning what we can do to live better.

Reading this letter helped me understand why I went into a tizzy when the man sneezed.

First, I was in an environment which was not in my “total control.” I couldn’t stop the man from sneezing. I could control where I went in the store in relation to his location. But who else might sneeze, cough or reach out and try to shake my hand after touching their face!

Second, in my thinking, I viewed my efforts as not enough to NOT be exposed to COVID-19. This was an underlying thought pattern – exposed when I was in the store.

Is it possible, that switching my focus on what I can control or consider-  What measures to do I take to ward of the virus? Then, I calmly make these changes, to combat the overwhelming fears of catching COVID-19.  

This battle is no where near over. We all will have plenty of opportunities to face our fears and learn to navigate in these troubling times. I will go to the grocery store in a few days. Someone will display something that is not according to what I “know” to be safe. Will I have a come-apart? Or will I choose to act on the healthier question, ““What can I do now that it’s happened?”

Actions made with the purpose to learn and grow will stop the runaway fear-train.

I rode a fear-train for years while inside Word of Faith Fellowship (WOFF). The leader used fears under numerous names, all meant to paralyze and keep you in the group. 

I don’t know the details of how this pandemic is playing out inside WOFF. I don’t know if they practice “social distancing” or wash their hands for 20 seconds. However, I am sure the fear of leaving WOFF and then catching the virus is a common theme. Any ex-members agree?

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Thank you, for taking time to visit and read this blog. Please, consume the information on this site responsibly. The author is not a licensed mental health professional and encourages those that need professional help to seek it. The intent of the material is to inform and be a resource. Be sure to tell every member that you know at WOFF about this blog. There are readers at WOFF. Jane told me and Josh confirmed it.

Comments are invited from all readers, including present or former members. Polls are not scientific and no private information is gathered.

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Scripture references are Amplified Version unless otherwise noted. (Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation) This is post number 673.