“The most dangerous lie is that which most closely resembles the truth.”Jan Groenveld

Groenveld’s definition of a cult was cited as “any group which has a pyramid type authoritarian leadership structure with all teaching and guidance coming from the person at the top. The group will claim to be the only way to God…and will use thought reform or mind control techniques to gain control and keep their members.”^[12]

(souce- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Groenveld accessed 02/11/2012)

The “It Hurts” Post

by Jan Groenveld

The following is how former cult members and members of spiritually abusive systems described how they felt when they finally left their group. This may give you some insight into their pain and why there are no easy answers for them.

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IT HURTS

 IT HURTS to discover you were deceived – that what you thought was the “one true religion,” the “path to total freedom,” or “truth” was in reality a cult.

IT HURTS when you learn that people you trusted implicitly — whom you were taught not to question — were “pulling the wool over your eyes”, albeit unwittingly.

IT HURTS when you learn that those you were taught were your “enemies” were telling the truth after all — but you had been told they were liars, deceivers, repressive, satanic etc, and not to listen to them.

IT HURTS when you know your faith in God hasn’t changed — only your trust in an organization — yet you are accused of apostasy, being a trouble maker, a “Judas”. It hurts even more when it is your family and friends making these accusations.

IT HURTS to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget – but how can you forget your family and friends?

IT HURTS to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you love — to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug and they stand like a statue, pretending you aren’t there. It stabs like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonized and teaches your children to hate you.

IT HURTS to know you must start all over again. You feel you have wasted so much time. You feel betrayed, disillusioned, and suspicious of everyone including family, friends and other former members.

IT HURTS when you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed of what you were — even about leaving them. You feel depressed, confused, and lonely. You find it difficult to make decisions. You don’t know what to do with yourself because you have so much time on your hands now — yet you still feel guilty for spending time on recreation.

IT HURTS when you feel as though you have lost touch with reality. You feel as though you are “floating” and wonder if you really are better off and long for the security you had in the organization and yet you know you cannot go back.

IT HURTS when you feel you are all alone – that no one seems to understand what you are feeling. It hurts when you realize your self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.

IT HURTS when you have to front up to friends and family to hear their “I told you so” whether that statement is verbal or not. It makes you feel even more stupid than you already do — your confidence and self worth plummet even further.

IT HURTS when you realize you gave up everything for the cult — your education, career, finances, time and energy — and now have to seek employment or restart your education. How do you explain all those missing years?

IT HURTS because you know that even though you were deceived, you are responsible for being taken in. All that wasted time …….. at least that is what it seems to you — wasted time.

THE PAIN OF GRIEF

Leaving a cult is like experiencing the death of a close relative or a broken relationship. The feeling is often described as like having been betrayed by someone with whom you were in love. You feel you were simply used.

There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods, time is the healer.

Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldn’t — It IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned, guilty, angry, untrusting — these are all part of the process. In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking, joy, peace, and trust.

YES – IT HURTS
BUT THE HURTS WILL HEAL WITH TIME, PATIENCE & UNDERSTANDING

There is life after the cult.

   Jan Groenveld also began a website that has many great resources and helpful information. The link is here… http://www.caic.org.au/ .

 Allow me to comment on parts of the above mentioned post.

“IT HURTS when you learn that people you trusted implicitly — whom you were taught not to question — were “pulling the wool over your eyes”, albeit unwittingly.” Deep trust for those in leadership at Word of Faith Fellowship (WOFF) was not only required, it was in many cases demanded. If you held back your trust, you were “listening to devils”… Really?

“IT HURTS when you know your faith in God hasn’t changed — only your trust in an organization — yet you are accused of apostasy, being a trouble maker, a “Judas”. It hurts even more when it is your family and friends making these accusations.” Before you leave, you are expected to shun those who are on church discipline and this numbs you or prepares you to shun them when/if that person leaves or is cast out. Never thinking it will be you one day who will be shunned and mocked as a “Judas”.

“IT HURTS to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget – but how can you forget your family and friends?” When you leave, you don’t just do the wrong things, you become “wrong” and nothing you do except repent and return to WOFF-life will ever make you right… even then you will be tested and tried to see if you are of the (WOFF) faith… Can you really earn the love of God?

“IT HURTS to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you love — to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug and they stand like a statue, pretending you aren’t there. It stabs like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonized and teaches your children to hate you.” This I have personally experienced and when I read it, I knew the author had been in a cult and had come out to the same “deafening silence” that I had known upon my exit.

   As I read this post from 1994, I remembered a comment received recently on this blog that tells of the hurt experienced by former members. Here it is…

From Nancy Jo:

“I recently visited WOFF during Friday night fellowship. I went in with my new husband who had once been a member there. It was his hopes to talk with his three children and to see how they were. We were greeted by a kind woman whom I was relieved to meet having heard stories from my husband about his experiences at WOFF. She asked us to wait in the hall while a man went saying “I will get someone to get a hold of it.” As we waited we talked about our recent marriage and how he wanted to have his children meet me. A few minutes later a short woman with blonde hair, Robin, came marching down the hall with a group of men behind her. She went right into my husband’s face and said that he needed to repent for accusations he made in court about the church. And then the blow . . . your children do not want to see you unless you repent. I was floored. I had never experienced something like this. They watched us later from the door as we left as if they were afraid we would return. Someone from the church also followed us back to our hotel which was quite a distance from the church. The intimidation this woman presented was very upsetting however the fact he could not even see his children was even more upsetting.”

  For those who still believe WOFF is a benign Evangelical, Protestant church, please, look beyond the façade presented to visitors and learn how members are really treated. Learn how Jane redefines what many consider normal Christian practices and molds them into emotionally destructive practices that inflict pain on those involved. I cannot help but believe that the effects of living in the WOFF-zone are not unique but, in fact are very predictable. Jane Whaley’s religion seems to some folks to be on the “cutting edge” and in many ways it is. For regular members and those who leave, there is quite a cutting edge to life at WOFF. The effects of the cutting cause many hurts, brings much emotional damage and breaks up many relationships. Please, God help us all…   

   Thank you, for taking time to visit and read this blog. Please, consume the information on this site responsibly. The author is not a licensed mental health professional and encourages those that need professional help to seek it. The intent of the material is to inform and be a resource. Be sure to tell every member that you know at WOFF about this blog. There are readers at WOFF. Comments are invited from all readers, including present or former members. Polls are not scientific and no private information is gathered.

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       Please, take time to read the Terms of Use for this personal blog. As mentioned, for posts written by John Huddle, any information about WOFF is from his memories and recollections as perfect as that may be or not be.  Scripture references are Amplified Version unless otherwise noted. (Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation ) This is post number 377.