Readers of this blog come from many countries, backgrounds and situations. I receive comments and emails from several survivors of many different cults as well as people who have family members still in a cult. In a previous post, we highlighted a repost from my mother’s blog. She has written from the perspective of those who have a child in a cult and the feelings and struggles of that relationship. Many of the things I have read in her posts have not occurred to me before. I consider her insights as reflective of the emails I get from readers who have a family member still inside a controlling cult group. I have read of their struggles and until recently not been able to understand what I put my family through during my years in Word of Faith Fellowship (WOFF).
My Mom, Darlene Eichler, writes here: http://cultcasualties.blogspot.com
Family Members Outside the Cult–Part II
The following is an excerpt from “Satan’s Best Friend”:
October 10, 1975
Dear Maggie,
I have written this letter in my head many times in the past few years. It is way past time for me to put it on paper and send it on to you. First of all I want to say how much I love you. Sometimes I don’t think I like you because of your absence from me. We could have been so much comfort for one another after your Father passed away. Those days were the darkest in my life. I still have nights when I cannot sleep because I’m thinking about you and your Father and saying to myself, ‘what if?’
You would be shocked if you came back to………..today. There are new roads, stores and some things have vanished. Of course the old part of town will always remain the same (I hope). All of your friends are married and some have divorced. All have children except for Peggy………………………….
Here I am rambling on about unimportant things. I haven’t asked how you are. I pray that you are happy whatever you are doing. Please write or call me sometime. Would it be asking too much to ask you to come for a visit? You know you are welcome anytime.
With all my love,
Mom
P.S.I know you don’t celebrate birthdays in your church but I hope you have a happy birthday on October 15. I will remember that day and be thankful for such a beautiful daughter.happy in whatever she is doing.’ That is difficult to say and mean it. She is almost finished but saves the real reason for the letter until the end. “Would it be asking too much for you to come for a visit?”
I tried to write this letter to include the ways a mother views her child in a cult. She begins by telling her daughter how she has composed this letter over and over in the years they have been apart. In my experience I would have a running conversation in my head and then I would try to answer for the absent family member. I wonder how many times I got it right. In the third sentence she declares her love for her daughter but states that sometimes she doesn’t like her because she is absent. Sometimes there was anger on the part of the family member. One feels forsaken by the cult member. Then, of course we have the ‘laying on of guilt.” Why not? We want them to know we are having hard times because of their decisions. Along with the feelings of guilt we want them to know their friends have moved on with their lives. The writer realizes she has been rambling and asks her daughter how she is doing. Notice that she opens her heart and prays that she is ‘happy in whatever she is doing.’ That is difficult to say and mean it. She is almost finished but saves the real reason for the letter until the end. “Would it be asking too much for you to come for a visit?”
I will print the daughter’s answer in the next post. Comments are welcome.
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Looking back, I can see now how the times between visits to family was too long during the WOFF years. I would say that was by design, Jane Whaley’s design. After all, Jane said God did not want us to celebrate ANY holidays because they were all PAGAN. When do most families take time to visit each other? When do most folks get off work? Well, for years, Jane used certain holidays to have seminars and conferences! For other cult survivors, does that ring a bell? Of course, in the WOFF culture, we were kept so busy that we would lose track of how long it had been between visits to family members outside the group. We actually needed letters like the one above to remind us of what was important. So, for those with family members still in cult groups, keep in touch with them as much as possible.
Next, my Mom wrote a post which reflects the letter back from the daughter who is in the cult group. Here is the next post in this series:
Famly Members Outside the Cult–Part III
In my last post I included an excerpt from my book, “Satan’s Best Friend’ It was a letter from a mother to her daughter who had been in a cult for several years. This is the daughter’s answer:
Nov, 1, 1975
Dear Mom,
It was such a surprise to hear from you. You sounded well although you never spoke of your health. I hope you find fulfilling things to do. I help in the Church school and sometimes babysit this beautiful little girl. She looks like someone I’ve known but it escapes me. I stay busy most of the time.
Preacher Pat has been good to me but she is very strict. I know so much more about the Bible now. Are you still going to Church?
Preacher Pat does not allow me to go and visit others unless it’s an emergency, but you are welcome here.
I’m glad to hear most of my friends are married and have children. I think I could do without the marriage part but it would be nice to have a child.
Mom, could you do me a favor and send a few of my pictures when I was a child? We’re having a special program here and need baby pictures. Thanks for doing that.
Be good to yourself and come to see me soon.
Love,
Maggie
On the surface these two letters in the last two posts seem pretty normal except for the fact that mother and daughter have not seen one another for several years. The mother’s letter is trying to convey how deeply she misses her daughter and inquires if a visit from Maggie would be possible. The most negative thing in the letter is the confession that she loves her daughter, but she doesn’t like her because she has left her alone in the darkest hour of her life.
In Steven Hassan’s “Combatting Cult Mind Control,” (Park Street Press, ISBN-0-89281-311-3), he talks of the obvious sign of a person in a mind control group… the lack of independent decision making although they try to convince outsiders they have this privilege. Maggie makes a statement that her mother is welcome to come and visit her. If that were put to the test Maggie would probably find out that she was mistaken.
Mr. Hassan relays the story of a mother whose son is in a cult. She was happy when she thought her son was coming home for Christmas, but crestfallen when she heard her son’s explanation of the visit. “No, Mom, the yogi told me that my place was to be with you over the holidays.” I told her he was allowed to come home because she had acted as if she approved of his involvement in the group, inviting family over and never openly criticizing the group. (pp.192-193)
It is difficult for family members to realize that a member of a destructive cult must ask permission for every decision, small and large, they make. If a family member is aware of this then they understand why persons in a cult do not show up for family gatherings such as funerals and weddings. But understanding does not diminish the family’s loss of that person’s presence. (emphasis added)
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Where do you start? Yes, in WOFF things “progressed” to where getting permission to go to see relatives was euphemistically described as “checking it out” with leadership- Jane. It boiled down to whether or not Jane felt like you would be “pulled out of the move of God” and/or “be attacked by being around your relatives because of common ground”. (see post on Common Ground- http://religiouscultsinfo.com/?p=2356 ) All of this meant that when you got back, you may not be so quick to acclimate back to WOFF ways or your normal level of giving money. Jane said she was concerned about you, but, it really boiled down to less work for her to not have to deal with your new devils when you got back from a trip to your relatives. It was easier just not to go see family outside WOFF. And yes, I succumbed to that thinking for years. It has been a deep point of regret since I left WOFF to realize what I missed.
One more excerpt from a post explaining what family members of cult members may go through. This is just a partial from a post titled:
“LOOKING FOR HUMOR IN ADVERSITY” from May 21, 2011
“DECULTING,” MY NEW WORD
It began several years ago–that chore of “deculting” the house–before our family members in a cult came to visit. This didn’t happen often. I don’t know if the cult leader refused to allow them to come sometimes or if they drew lots. I really don’t know. But it usually turned into a bittersweet experience.
The first thing I would do was go from room to room and make a list of things that might offend.The list was longer in some rooms and the task seemed impossible in the den where most of the bookcases were located. Finally, I just removed the most offensive ones –in my judgment– the one Stephen King novel, used to help me understand his writing in my capacity as a college reference librarian and most of the children’s books I used in teaching children’s literature. I knew there we no bad spirits in my books so I finally laughed and said to myself, “I’m not a good censor and most of them will stay.”
I looked at the long list and realized it was an impossible task. I would have to move almost everythinng ouit of the house! A friend suggested I rent one of those PODS! That would be too much. Besides, who would help me put the stuff in the storage container and who would help move it back in? I began to laugh when I thought of what kind of bad spirits could be in my house. Dust Bunny Spirits–they only make you sneeze. Now, the dead Palmetto bug (done in by the cat) could be scary–if you looked at it under the microscope! Then there might be something scary “growing” in the refrigerator that was not labeled. I could say I make my own penicillin!
I’ve done my best–that’s all I can do. Maybe I found a little humor and perhaps not. But at least I’ve coined a new word! DECULTING!
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Honestly, I had glimpses of how burdensome my WOFF religion had become for me and my family inside WOFF, but, it did not occur with any significance that my WOFF rules were burdensome on my family members outside the cult. Well, that is except when Christmas went by the wayside. I got a clear picture of that one. Several family members expressed their regret and ANGER that we would not be coming or celebrating Christmas with them. One relative chewed me out ROYALLY in public at a Cracker Barrel over the Christmas deal. I was so blind, I could not see what she was really saying; we love you and want to spend time with you at this special time of year for us. Please, don’t ROCK my world with this one. But, I pressed on and so did my immediate family into unchartered waters of no celebrations and the cold reality that I loved my WOFFness more than my family outside WOFF. As a self-defense mechanism, I considered it their problem and not mine. I was so caught up in WOFFness, that to buck the expected WOFF code of behavior carried too high a price tag to risk seeing relatives during the Holiday season. We would either go before or after, none of which were normal or even regular visits. So, does cult involvement have a heavy price tag? In my opinion, YES. What say others who have trod the path of WOFFness? I have heard from some of the relatives of present WOFF members, most of them openly agree with me.
Thank you, for taking time to visit and read this blog. Please, consume the information on this site responsibly. The author is not a licensed mental health professional and encourages those that need professional help to seek it. The intent of the material is to inform and be a resource. Be sure to tell every member that you know at WOFF about this blog. There are readers at WOFF. Comments are invited from all readers, including present or former members. Polls are not scientific and no private information is gathered.
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(Please, take time to read the Terms of Use for this personal blog. As mentioned, the information about WOFF is from my memories and recollections as perfect as that may be or not be. ) Scripture references are Amplified Version unless otherwise noted. (Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation ) This is post number 303.